How to Have Better Conversations and Find Your People

We’ll plan the outfit, coordinate with the group chat, and figure out childcare just to get ourselves into a room. Then we get there, find the one person we know, and stay next to her like she’s our emergency contact.

I understand the appeal. But if you want a bigger circle, eventually you have to talk to somebody new.

I talk for a living. Between radio, the podcast, and The Mami Collective, conversation is a huge part of my work. And the kind I want more of is the kind where someone walks away thinking, “I could actually be myself with her.”

That’s a pretty good place to start if you want to become someone people love talking to. Give them a little room to be themselves.

A recent Everygirl Q&A with Dr. Alison Wood Brooks got me thinking about this. Her answer to a question she wishes people asked more often was simple: “Can you tell me more about that?” There’s research behind paying closer attention, too. In a study Brooks coauthored, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were better liked by their conversation partners.

Think about how often we hear an answer and immediately jump to our own story. Someone mentions a tough week, and we’re already preparing the director’s cut of ours. Before you launch into it, stay with her for another minute.

If she says she’s thinking about changing careers, ask what she’s hoping will be different. If she tells you she started a business, ask how she landed on the idea. Let the answer take you somewhere you couldn’t have planned.

And please, put the damn phone down long enough to hear it.

I know. The babysitter might text. You might need to check the time. Handle what you need to handle, then come back to the person in front of you. It’s hard to feel connected to somebody who’s watching a better conversation happen on Instagram.

One thing I want us to get better at, especially in rooms full of moms, is asking about the woman herself.

I love hearing about your kids. I also want to know what you’re excited about. What have you been wanting to try? Is there something you’re working toward that you haven’t said out loud yet?

You can be completely in love with your family and still enjoy being asked a question that has nothing to do with anyone’s nap schedule.

That’s part of what I want The Mami Collective to make room for. Your work matters. So does the version of you who wants to take a class, book a trip, or figure out what she wants next. You get to talk about all of it.

If meeting people makes your brain go blank, give yourself a little help before you leave the house. Think of something you’d enjoy talking about and a couple of things you’re curious to ask. Even “How did you hear about this?” gives you somewhere to begin.

You can also say, “I came by myself. Do you mind if I join you?”

That is a perfectly good introduction. You’re allowed to want company.

Once you’re talking, let people meet you, too. Share an opinion. Tell the funny story. Admit that you’re figuring something out. Asking thoughtful questions is lovely; answering every question about yourself with “Oh, nothing exciting” makes it hard for somebody to get to know you.

Please stop deciding your life is too ordinary to mention. Maybe she’s also considering going back to school. Maybe she has the restaurant recommendation you’ve been looking for. You’ll find out by giving her something to respond to.

And if you’re already comfortable in the room, use that.

Make space when somebody approaches your group. Introduce the woman standing beside you. If a quieter person starts to speak and gets interrupted, bring her back in: “Wait, I wanted to hear what you were saying.”

Being welcoming is hot. Making someone audition for a place in the conversation is exhausting.

Then give yourself permission to be the one who follows up.

If you liked her, send the text. Mention something you actually talked about: “I loved hearing about your new job. Want to grab coffee next week?” If you promised a link, send the link. Give the conversation a chance to become something you both return to.

And if you stumbled over your introduction or made a joke that landed weirdly, you can still go to the next dinner. One awkward moment does not get to make your social plans forever.

The next time you walk into a room, give yourself one small assignment: learn something about someone you didn’t know when you arrived. Share something about yourself, too.

You already got dressed and arranged the childcare. Go say hello.