You stop trying to keep everyone happy, because you can't. On Let Them Be Disappointed, filmmaker and author Denise Soler Cox puts it plainly: you either disappoint other people or you disappoint yourself. Saying no to family feels hard at first. It gets easier with practice, and the relief is worth it.
Holiday plans are about to hit the family group chat. Before you agree to host, cook and clean until the floors shine, read this.
What Denise said
Denise is a filmmaker, a mom of two and the author of What Will They Say? She waited 17 years to make her first film, and not because movies take that long. She was worried about what people would say. Here's what she's figured out since.
You're always choosing who to disappoint
Denise is honest that this part never gets easy: "It's always hard. It's never not hard." You finally choose yourself, and somebody in your family is let down. Then she gives the line the whole episode hangs on:
"Either you feel the feeling of having disappointed other people, or you feel the feeling of disappointing yourself. And are you ready to stop disappointing yourself?"
Listen at 35:21.
She's clear about who this is for. If you love hosting and cooking for everyone, enjoy it. She's talking to the moms who feel like it costs too much.
Boundaries are a muscle you build
Maybe you're not getting on a plane this year. Maybe the expectation is that you host everyone, cook everything, clean until you could eat off the floor and still look well rested. Denise says you can get out of it, and that it takes practice.
"You're gonna have to start exercising the muscle called boundaries."
Listen at 33:57.
She also wants you to know that saying no to the expectations isn't saying no to your people. She compares it to finally ending a relationship you held onto way too long: hard, then a whoosh of relief. What you're breaking up with is the rulebook:
"Break up with the taboo that says you have to show up so perfectly, poised, good cook, no dishes, clean house, best for everybody."
Listen at 37:44.
"I don't know" means no
Denise spent most of her life saying yes to everything because she wanted to be liked and included. Now she pays attention to how a request feels. Tense and tight means no. And she has a rule for the maybes:
"If I'm an 'I don't know,' I also will say no. … Most of my I don't knows are noes that are too concerned with what other people will say."
Listen at 41:33.
She's teaching her daughters the same thing: their opinion of themselves matters more than hers.
Okay, my take
Totally agree with Denise on this one.
This happens all the time now. I used to feel guilty saying no to plans with people. So now I don't make concrete plans unless I'm super certain.
And for this holiday season: take it easy, and don't feel so pressured by all the expectations. As always, do what works for YOU.
Try these before the group chat heats up
Use the "I don't know" rule on one invite. When a plan comes in and your honest answer is "I don't know," treat it as a no. Keep it short: "We're going to sit this one out. Love you."
Drop one holiday expectation, out loud. Pick the one that drains you most (hosting, cooking everything, the spotless house) and tell one person this week. Try: "I'm not hosting this year. Happy to bring dessert."
Wait to lock it in. Do what I do and hold off on concrete plans until you're sure. "Let me check and get back to you" buys you the time to figure out what you actually want.
The questions everyone's asking
How do I say no to family holiday plans without feeling guilty?
You probably won't skip the guilt completely, and that's okay. Denise Soler Cox says saying no to family is always hard, and that boundaries work like a muscle: they get stronger the more you use them. Start with one clear no this season and notice the relief that comes after.
Is it selfish to choose myself over my family's expectations?
Denise frames it as a choice you're already making: you either disappoint other people or you disappoint yourself. Choosing you doesn't mean turning your back on your family. It means letting go of the expectation that you have to show up perfect for everyone.
What if I don't know whether I want to go?
Denise's rule is that "I don't know" means no. She found that most of her maybes were really noes she was scared to say because of what other people would think. If you're torn, it's okay to pass.
How do I handle it when my family is disappointed in me?
Expect it to sting. Denise compares it to finally ending a relationship you held onto too long: hard in the moment, then a whoosh of relief. Her advice is to keep your people and break up with the expectation.
Who is Denise Soler Cox?
Denise Soler Cox is a filmmaker, a mom of two and the author of What Will They Say?, a book about the unspoken rules that keep women from going after what they want. You can follow her on Instagram at @denisesolercox.
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Love you. Mean it. — Paulina