Most moms have at least some help with the kids. Far fewer have help with their own goals. That second kind of support comes from a few people who know what you want, help in specific ways and follow through. You build it one clear ask at a time, not by joining more group chats.
I call those people your Second Village. I talked it through on this week's episode of the podcast, How to Build Your Second Village, and it's at the heart of something big I'm working on for 2027. I can't say more yet. Here's the plain version.
Who's helping you grow?
We all know raising kids takes help. Someone for pickup. Someone who steps in when the schedule falls apart. Someone who gets why leaving the house with a two-year-old can feel like a whole production before the day even starts.
The question I can't stop asking is different: who's helping the mom grow?
Who knows you've been thinking about changing careers? Who remembers the business idea you keep coming back to? Who asks you something other than "How are the kids?"
That's what I mean by a Second Village. It's the relationships that support your growth, your identity and your ambitions. The people who care what you think and what you want, and who'll help you take a step toward it.
Before anyone panics: I'm not telling you to go recruit 12 new people. We have enough group chats. Some of us already keep them on mute for our own sanity.
The same people can do both jobs. Your sister loves your kid and can also help you think through a job offer. A mom you met at school drop-off could turn out to be the person you build a business with.
"What I'm trying to name is that your future deserves attention too." (Listen at 4:45)
Here's where I'm at. I'm moving through grief right now. I lost my mom recently, and I miss her so much. I'm also raising my two-year-old, Gigi, doing radio every morning, Monday through Friday, and building The Mami Collective behind the scenes. There's a lot happening at once.
I love being Gigi's mom. I care about my family, and I care about my work. And I want support that makes room for that whole picture.
Would anyone close to you know what you want?
Quick test. If I called the person closest to you right now and asked what you're excited about for yourself, would they know? I'm dead serious.
If the answer is no, you're not doing anything wrong. Maybe it feels too early to say out loud. Maybe you mentioned it once and the conversation moved on. Or maybe you've spent so long answering "what needs to get done" all day that "what do I want" got hard to answer.
You don't need a polished answer. "I think I want to do something different, I just don't know what yet" is enough. It gives someone a place to meet you.
And ambition gets to mean whatever it means to you. More responsibility at work. Less responsibility, because the job you worked so hard for doesn't fit your life anymore. Going back to school. A creative outlet that never has to make money.
"We don't need a launch strategy for every single hobby." (Listen at 7:05)
What you're looking for is someone who listens without deciding for you, and who remembers. There's something about a person asking, "Hey, what happened with that thing you told me about?" Your idea stayed with them after you left the room.
What real support looks like
Meeting people is the easy part. At our dinners, moms swap numbers and say, "We should get coffee." Then everyone goes home to the inbox, the dinner that still needs making, and the kid who was asleep in the car and is suddenly wide awake.
Not everyone you meet has to become a close friend. Maybe that's an unpopular opinion, but sometimes one useful conversation is enough. When you do want a connection to grow past "so nice to meet you," it usually grows through something specific:
An intro. You mention a field you're curious about. She knows someone in it and offers to connect you.
Saying your name. Someone recommends you for an opportunity when you're not in the room. That counts, even if you never see it happen.
Twenty minutes. You've been sitting on an application because you don't know how to describe your experience. A friend reads one paragraph with you, and now it feels possible.
Coverage. "I can watch your daughter while you take that meeting." Sometimes support for your future is literally someone making it possible to leave the house. My best friends have done this for me more than once.
Honest questions. Before you commit to something that takes a lot of time: How is this going to fit? What help will you need?
Company. Someone working toward her own thing who gets why you're excited and why you're scared. Neither of you needs all the answers.
My own Second Village is massive. It's my best friend. It's my peers. It's friends who make intros for me all the time. It's the people who speak my name into opportunities when I'm not in the room. It's even people on social media who come across my page and think I'd be a good fit for something.
Support for your goals doesn't always come from your closest circle. Sometimes it comes from someone who saw your work and said your name.
How to ask without it feeling weird
"Let me know if you need anything" is a lovely thing to hear. It also leaves you wondering what you're actually allowed to ask for. Is a resume read too much? Is an intro weird? So you say "I'm fine" and keep it moving. (Guilty.)
A specific ask makes it easier for both of you. Steal these:
"You made a career change when your kids were little. Would you have 15 minutes to tell me how you approached it?"
"You mentioned someone who used to work in that field. Would you be comfortable introducing us? No problem at all if not."
"Can I talk this through with you? I don't need you to solve it. I just need to hear myself say it out loud."
Now she knows exactly what you're asking and can give you an honest answer. That answer might be no, or "not this week," or "I'm not the best person for that." It can sting. It doesn't mean the relationship doesn't matter, and it doesn't mean you were wrong to ask.
Two small habits keep it going:
Follow through. "I can read it Thursday" gives someone help she can plan around.
Close the loop. "I took the meeting. Thank you for the intro." Even "It didn't work out, but I'm so glad I tried." Telling her what happened gives you a next conversation. That's how you build a little history together.
"Paulina, I barely have help with the kids"
Girl, yes. I hear you.
If childcare isn't reliable, money is tight or your schedule changes every week, another coffee meeting might be completely unrealistic. A great intro doesn't make childcare affordable. A supportive friend can't fix an unpredictable work schedule. Let's be honest about that.
The last thing I want is for this to become one more thing you feel behind on. So make it smaller:
A voice note instead of a meetup
A question inside a conversation you're already having
An intro someone offers because she was paying attention
Giving back doesn't have to be impressive either. Answer the question that has someone stuck. Remember to check in. Pass along an opportunity to the person it actually fits.
Some seasons you'll have more to give. Some seasons you'll need more. If someone is going through a really hard time, I don't want her calculating whether she's earned enough credits to ask for help.
And you get boundaries. Supporting another woman doesn't mean saying yes to every request or becoming an unpaid member of everyone's team. "I can give you quick feedback, but I can't take on the project" is still generous. It's also honest.
Start with one conversation this week
Name one thing you want for yourself. Give it a minute if nothing comes right away.
Get specific about the next step. "I need support" could mean anything. "I need an hour to finish this application" is something you can actually ask for.
Look at who's already around you. A friend who only knows you as a mom. A former coworker who'd be glad to hear from you. Someone you met at a Mami Collective dinner who's into the same thing.
If no one comes to mind, that's not a verdict on you. It tells us what kind of access and connection you need, and that's exactly what I want to help build.
I think about this for my daughter, Gigi, too. I want her to know what I care about and why my work matters to me. And I want to be able to tell her that people helped me. That I asked questions, learned from others and had support when I tried something new. I don't need her to think I did it all by myself.
So come back to the first question. What do you want for yourself right now, and who knows about it? If you have room this week, let that be the start of one conversation.
Questions moms ask about this
What is a Second Village?
It's Paulina Roe's name for the relationships that support a mom's own growth, identity and ambitions, separate from help with the kids. They can be the same people who help with your kids. The difference is that they also know what you want and help you move toward it.
How do I ask for help with my goals without it being awkward?
Make the ask specific and easy to say no to. "Would you have 15 minutes to tell me how you changed careers?" is easier to answer than "Let me know if you can help." Then follow up and tell them how it went.
I don't have time or reliable childcare. How am I supposed to build this?
Start smaller than a coffee date. Send a voice note, ask a question in a conversation you're already having, or say yes to an intro someone offers. Support should fit your real life, not become another thing you feel behind on.
What if I don't know what I want yet?
That's a fine place to start. Saying "I think I want to do something different, I just don't know what yet" gives someone a way to help. Give yourself time if the answer doesn't come right away.
Do I have to give back right away?
No. Some seasons you'll have more to give and some you'll need more. When you can give back, it doesn't have to be big: answering a question, checking in or passing along an opportunity all count.
Hear the whole thing
The full episode, How to Build Your Second Village: Finding Support for Your Goals, is out now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and YouTube. Listen, then tell me what it brings up for you.
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This episode was brought to you by Ontu Health and Angel Zaper, the Real Estate Angel.
Love you. Mean it.
— Paulina